Screencap through The Bachelor
Racing driver and son of a two-time Indianapolis 500 champ extra well-known than he’s Arie Luyendyk Jr. is the subsequent bachelor on The Bachelor. We at Jalopnik know that racing drivers can wrestle with interacting with common folks, so we’re providing our skilled recommendation at wooing the women.
I didn’t understand The Bachelor was nonetheless a factor, but it surely apparently is! Sadly, like far too many racing drivers hovering across the Indy-sphere, a actuality TV look will in all probability get Luyendyk extra consideration from most of the people than his final grand prix begin. Whereas that’s a miserable undeniable fact that makes me lose much more of my feeble religion in humanity, it’s additionally a great case for going onto these ridiculous exhibits.
Thus far, issues are going tough for Luyendyk. Earlier than he was even introduced as The Bachelor’s bachelor, his ex-girlfriend Sydney Stempfley (confirmed by the oldsters at Folks) recommended that he was lower than trustworthy on Twitter:
Oof! However let’s be sincere—who ever actually expects these actuality TV relationships to work, anyway?
This isn’t Luyendyk’s first shot at actuality TV love, both. He got here in second on The Bachelorette’s eighth season—similar to his highest Indy Lights end. That led to a cameo in a later season of The Bachelor and an look on Wipeout’s “Bachelors vs. Bachelorettes” episode, the place he was eradicated early. Earlier than that, he appeared on Hell’s Kitchen in 2009, presumably searching for a caring spatula for cookie and enchilada making.
You are able to do higher this season, Arie! You’ve acquired this! We place confidence in you, man! Right here’s how you’ll find true success and love this time, for actual.
If there’s one factor I worth in a person greater than something else, it’s openness and honesty. These are the very foundations of a top quality, lasting relationship that may serve you nicely lengthy after the present is over. I do know it’s tempting to provide bland, television-friendly solutions for every thing—in spite of everything, that’s the one factor each racing driver excels at.
However you need to be open about who you might be, proper from the very begin. Utilizing plenty of phrases to say precisely nothing is one thing that solely works in press conferences—not with actual, stay ladies. You need to lead off by telling her why you’re actually on the present, simply to make certain.
You don’t must get too concerned along with your backstory. Simply open up throughout a few of the present’s wholly manufactured and tacky alone time:
Hey, you’re actually lovely and form of attention-grabbing in that bland, pumpkin spice scented Primary Lady No. 5 form of means. I’m actually simply on this present to reinforce my visibility to potential sponsors who might not be paying a lot consideration to the radness that’s Stadium Tremendous Vans. By being right here, I hope to extend my potential to pay for rides subsequent season.
See, now, was that too onerous?
Just like the final one, I do know it is a massive stretch for a lot of racing drivers, and particularly the contestants on The Bachelor. Actually, you may exchange the complete sequence’ run of bland dudes with life-size Ken dolls and I actually wouldn’t have ever seen. This is the reason it’s necessary for you, a man who races vans that bounce within the air for a residing, to face out.
Fairly frankly, I’m at a loss right here, so why not put on a enjoyable hat? Go full Jamiroquai along with your head. I’m speaking massive neon fuzzy issues as headwear. It might’t harm.
Screencap through The Bachelor
Effectively, except they’re paying you to take action. I imply, I like cash, too. I believe the women on the present would perceive. However except they’re providing you with cash particularly to your present look, depart the sponsors with the race truck. If they need a point out, they higher pay further up-front.
Come to think about it, this might be a beneficial means so that you can get further funding to your racing efforts. Overlook the women. Get cash.
Speaking about racing might be effective. We’re admittedly speaking plenty of smack in our recommendation, however the Jalopnik employees is barely allowed to race Lemons. In the meantime, you’re nonetheless within the execs, gettin’ it. I can’t hate on that.
However we additionally know what’s good and never so good to introduce your self with, and it’s in all probability finest to maintain that one time in 2008 underneath wraps till you decide up that she’s into barely misbehaving boys.
Again in October 2008, Luyendyk acquired arrested twice in a single week—as soon as for driving with a suspended license, and once more six days later for not having a legitimate registration, Starcasm notes. I get that these are minor offenses within the grander scheme of issues, however alternatively, do you see our editor-in-chief introducing himself with tales of his three days within the Virginia slammer? Don’t lie about it, however put it aside for later, after you get to know one another extra.
Lead off with one other enjoyable reality as a substitute, like your favourite form of cheese, or the perfect locations to yell at young children.
Satiate America’s need for carnage and mayhem by livening up the elimination course of! I imply, that’s why we watch actuality tv within the first place: we simply wish to see the world burn.
Put the shedding woman right into a Demolition Derby, drop her right into a tank of stay sharks or chase her away with frickin’ laser beams. The Bachelor constantly snubs tv viewers like me as a result of there aren’t sufficient chase scenes and explosions. Why not repair that? Simply since you’re on a gooey mushy present about love doesn’t imply you’ll be able to’t take your racing-fan viewers with you.
Screencap through The Bachelor
Few issues I’ve ridden in are as concurrently hilarious and terrifying as a Stadium Tremendous Truck. In the event you’re on the lookout for a simple solution to slim down the sector, give her a experience alongside on a course someplace.
Superior chicks will dig it. Dumb ones won’t. Duhhh. Easy as that.
I understand that it is a fully superficial judgment, and you could be okay with a lady who’s into various things than you. That’s cute, however ignore that right here—it’s going to make for hilarious tv.
Bonus: this would possibly truly get me to concentrate to one thing aired on The Bachelor—a feat which has by no means been achieved earlier than.
Take it from somebody who’s seen too many mates disappear from this passion as a result of their important different felt it was harmful: if she’s nervous in regards to the hazard of racing wheel-to-wheel, simply run away. Run away! There isn’t any reasoning with worry. It’s a lure. RUN.
With our assist, you must be capable of discover real love and make this the perfect season of The Bachelor ever. Honest warning, although: I’m in all probability going to alter the channel if Dale Jr.’s house renovation present is on on the identical time. These have hammers and stuff.