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Meh Automotive Monday: This Will Be The First Time You’ve got Ever Thought About The Chevy Uplander

In terms of figuring out vehicles, there’s two very distinct variations of the “what the fuck is that?” feeling. One is the thrilling, head-jerking feeling of shock at seeing one thing delightfully incomprehensible, like catching a glimpse of a Gordon-Keeble in suburban Norman, Oklahoma. The opposite is bitter, empty feeling you get once you see a automobile so boring, so bland, such a void of curiosity or character that you just notice you haven’t any concept what the hell it’s. Guess which class the Chevy Uplander suits into.

In truth, it’s even a bit worse: not solely do most individuals see a Chevy Uplander and do not know what it’s, the grim reality is that even to hardcore automobile geeks—presumably even hardcore minivan geeks—they’re positive with that. Ignorance is simply positive if the fruit of data is the mushy, mealy pap that’s the Chevy Uplander.

Chevy constructed the Uplander minivan between 2005-2009, and I guess for those who had been to ask any Chevrolet worker of that period about it they may say “Oh yeah? If that’s what it says, then I suppose we did.”


The Uplander truly had three badge-engineered siblings, all about as forgettable because the Uplander, the Saturn Relay, Buick Terraza, and Pontiac Montana SV6. Saturn Relay? I’m unsure if I’ve ever even seen a type of, however, then once more, how the hell would I even know?

The Relay was the primary non-plastic-body-panel’d Saturn, and the primary Saturn re-badge, so I suppose even the Relay has the excellence of being the marker as the start of the top of Saturn.

The Uplander doesn’t even have that.

Even within the tepid pool that’s minivans, the Uplander was remarkably bland-looking. It wasn’t even a very good minivan design, with a hood longer than it wanted to be and the whole lot else trying like GM despatched the design group on a tour of coin laundromats or presumably self-storage amenities to get impressed.


Like a real Meh automobile, it was fairly aggressively satisfactory in specs: a three.5-liter V6 making 200 horsepower, or a three.9 V6 that made 240 hp. The three.9-liter later turned the one engine, which pressured the dropping of the AWD choice (it was usually FWD) because the AWD system couldn’t cope with these further 40 horses.

The Uplander particular ‘Life Is Meaningless’ version

Since no person ever gave a shit about this automobile, the lack of the AWD system was met with, perhaps, a quiet nod of drained understanding.

I’m stunned extra automobile crashes aren’t discovered to be brought on by individuals driving into Chevy Uplanders as a result of they simply don’t even see them. They’re so bland and empty it’s superb your mind doesn’t simply course of them out solely.

However some individuals truly did handle to purchase these. The Wikipedia article doesn’t hassle itemizing gross sales previous 2005, as a result of that’s when the particular person enhancing the article give up giving a shit, however different sources present that over a half-million of this stuff had been offered over its life! Holy crap.


Even when we determine good chunk of these had been fleet gross sales, there have been nonetheless hundreds of people that noticed this and determined to pay actual cash in trade for taking one dwelling, to make use of day-after-day. Someway, they managed to manifest an emotion that resembled want for a Chevy Uplander. That’s staggering.

Fooled you! This can be a bar of cleaning soap, which is far more thrilling than an Uplander, as a result of you’ll be able to rub it throughout your junk and everybody’s cool with that

The advertising of the Uplander virtually appeared to recommend the advert company understood the dimensions of the blandness they had been coping with; take heed to the first auditory theme of this industrial to see what I imply:

Crickets. That’s the sound of crickets. That’s about proper.

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