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Meh Automotive Monday: The Fabulously Forgettable Ford 5 Hundred

The Ford 5 Hundred is about as near a ghost as an car can get. Even if you happen to see one, it’s arduous to make certain precisely what you noticed, or if you happen to even noticed something in any respect. It’s very existence is complicated to most individuals—was it a factor? Was a only a Taurus? Have I ever seen one? The 5 Hundred is so meh it’s nearly haunting. It’s so meh it has nearly meh’d itself out of its very existence, and that’s terrifying.

What’s particularly unusual is that the automobile got here from a designer who’s historical past is designing automobiles that, no matter you consider them, will not be meh in any respect: J Mays. I believe J Mays is a implausible designer, the brains behind the New Beetle and the re-born Ford Thunderbird and was answerable for the modern look that made late ‘90s, early 2000s Volkswagens so interesting, regardless of everybody figuring out that quickly they’d be watching a verify engine gentle.

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However with the 5 Hundred, these modern design cues from automobiles just like the 1996-2006 Passat weren’t so thrilling nearly ten years later when the 5 Hundred was launched in 2005. It’s uncommon that an all-new automobile can come to market trying nearly equivalent to a automobile almost a decade previous, however the 5 Hundred managed that extraordinarily tedious trick remarkably properly.

Even on the automobile’s launch folks have been already asking if the design was too boring, which ought to have been a reasonably large warning flag to Ford. J Mays answered the query of how boring this new automobile was by saying

“By the best way, I don’t assume it’s going to harm gross sales. They’re essentially the most conservative consumers there are.”

Oh god. That’s so grim. The man accountable for the 5 Hundred’s design mainly mentioned “It’s positive it’s boring. The individuals who purchase this shit are boring, too!”

Oh, wait, I believe this was the Taurus-ized model.

The 5 Hundred was Ford’s first new full-size sedan since 1979, and it looks as if Ford’s large aim was to determine why folks nonetheless appreciated full-sized American sedans and destroy each motive, after which give the individuals who wished these issues a dissatisfied stare and head shake.

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Gone was the normal body-on-frame design of automobiles just like the Crown Vic, gone was the enjoyable, ‘70s-cop-show rear-wheel-drive dealing with, and as an alternative was a platform developed by Volvo (referred to as the Ford D3 platform), front-wheel drive, and, it appears, the primary time an exorcist was employed by a significant automaker to make sure that a automobile would don’t have any soul or spirit of any type, by any means.

The 5 Hundred used Ford’s utterly satisfactory three.Zero-liter, 206 horsepower Duratec V6. That was positive.

Oh, and simply in case anybody noticed a 200+ HP quantity there and thought that they had an opportunity to have some sort of restricted enjoyable within the automobile, Ford shut that shit down quick by giving the automobile a CVT transmission choice, as a result of fuck you.

The ‘LIMITED’ stands for ‘Restricted Curiosity’

Within the purest Meh automobile vogue, the 5 Hundred was primarily positive, and did its job properly sufficient. It was even clear and unoffensive, a very rational alternative of a household automobile, so long as you had already accepted that life is not one thing that should include pleasure or ardour or perhaps a stage of curiosity that’s greater than tepid.

The Ford 5 Hundred was the automotive equal of creating some sort of large, very grownup choice that’s technically the precise factor to do, however you remorse for the remainder of your life. It’s the lengthy, ragged, drawn-out sigh you make whenever you lastly let go of the final shred of your desires, in automotive type.

Even the commercials had nothing to play up besides how boring the automobile was. Take a look at this—the one automobile to be driving in a boring method on this advert is the Ford 5 Hundred:

The 5 Hundred was so miserable that even Ford might solely abdomen the joy-void of the factor for 2 years; by 2008 it was re-named the Taurus, and a few try was made to de-boringize the automobile, as a result of Ford simply couldn’t reside with all of the blood of all these desires on their palms.

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Our collective reminiscence has helped us immeasurably in terms of the Ford 5 Hundred, as a result of it’s been successfully blocked from most individuals’s minds.

It’s nearly prefer it by no means existed, and this can be a case the place that amnesia is welcomed like a buddy.

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