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Meh Automotive Monday: Embrace Nothingness With A Buick Lucerne

Buick, a minimum of within the U.S., is a model that has historically skewed a bit older. I’m unsure there’s a latest Buick that makes that obscure little bit of demographic knowledge come to life greater than the 2005-2011 Buick Lucerne, a automobile that’s primarily the very idea of accountable, suburban growing old changed into metallic.

It’s namesake is a Swiss city that no person actually offers a shit about, however is undoubtedly clear and well-run. That matches the Lucerne very effectively. The automobile was respectable sufficient technically, with a selection of a decently powered V6 (at first a smaller 197 horsepower one, then a 227 hp one) or a Northstar V8, making as much as 292 hp. That’s nice.

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All of the specs have been precisely what you’d anticipate of the period: FWD, four-speed auto, full-size, four-door sedan, in the midst of the full-size class, for dimension and fullness, usually streamlined form that was determined by the identical math and aero analysis as absolutely anything else, no dangers taken by any means.

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The construct high quality was respectable, the choices and facilities put it in a near-luxury class—hell, this automobile was Buick’s flagship mannequin from 2006-2011! That has to imply one thing, proper?

You’d suppose so, wouldn’t you? The reality is, by placing the Lucerne on the high of their vary, what Buick managed to create was one thing like that unfinished pyramid on the again of the greenback invoice—a construction with no high.

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Certain, the unfinished pyramid will get that mystical, all-seeing eye filling the hole, however the Lucerne simply topped the Buick vary by being one of the nameless, character-free vehicles ever to blandly plow America’s roads.

The Lucerne, once more, wasn’t a chunk of shit; it was a top quality product that no human bearing a detectable pulse may presumably give a shit about. It was like getting an absolute most interesting, prize-winning free vary, artisinally-raised superchicken, after which cooking it by working it by an atomic-powered deflavorizer for every week.

Buick tried, half-assedly, to present the Lucerne a definite look with a chromier and chromier grilles and Buick’s trademark velocity gap thingies, however these bits of element and brightwork simply served to emphasise how mind-scorchingly boring the remainder of the automobile was.

Even the commercials—a minimum of those with out Tiger Woods pretending to present a shit—may actually solely tout the obscure concept of ‘high quality,’ as a result of what else was there to level to? Apart from the velocity holes?

Have you ever ever heard the phrases “I actually desire a Buick Lucerne?” Till now, no, I’m about sure you haven’t. In truth, my pc’s grammar checker algorithms simply freaked out as a result of it was unable to course of the usage of the verb “need” with the correct direct object “Buick Lucerne.” It’s merely by no means been written earlier than.

The Lucerne is like some sort of wholesome millet porridge that a physician might recommend to somebody of their late ‘70s as a rational meal. It’s actually not going to harm, and it’s in all probability even fairly good for you, however it’s so joyless and sexless and freed from novelty or curiosity and aggressively benign that consuming meals you truly need turns into a good commerce for a couple of additional years of geriatric life.

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That’s the Lucerne. No person ever wished one. No person cares about it. Sometime, they may all be gone, and we could have forgotten to even discover.

Man, what a boring-ass automobile.

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