Wish to make a automotive fanatic freeze up for a superb 20-30 seconds? Ask them to image a Saturn L-Collection. Most gearheads will cock their heads up and to the facet, narrowing their eyes as they attempt to name the picture into their minds. When you look fastidiously, you may typically see rainbow spinning seaside balls the place their irises have been. Then, they’ll quit, as a result of no person offers a brace of BMs concerning the Saturn L-Collection.
The L-Collection was Saturn’s try at a extra upscale, mid-sized household automotive, and what they got here up with is presumably the best instance of the idea of ‘phoning it in’ ever recorded in human trade. I assumed I had a useless spot in my retina as I used to be searching for photos of this stuff, however no, it’s simply that typically your eye can’t be bothered to resolve a picture that boring. If it occurs to you, don’t be alarmed; have a look at an image of a Delahaye or one thing to snap your imaginative and prescient again into functioning.
The L-Collection got here out in 2000, and lumbered on till 2005. The preliminary names for the automobiles within the sequence have been LS, LS1, and LS2 for the three sedans, and LW1 and LW2 for the wagons.
GM’s Division of Tedium determined these names weren’t needlessly obtuse sufficient, so the subsequent 12 months they have been all modified to LS100, LS200, and LS300, and the wagons LW200 and LW300. After this means of renaming, it’s stated that the chief in command of the choice then laid his head down on his desk and commenced to sob till the candy blanket of undreaming sleep took him, ceaselessly.
The L-Collection was primarily based on the identical mid-sized GM2900 platform that GM would use to homicide the soul of Saab with within the 9-Three and 9-5, and you would get the L-Collection with one in every of two engines: a 135 horsepower (in 2004 as much as 140!) Ecotec 2.2-liter engine that ran on the Soporific Cycle, and a Three-liter V6 making round 180 hp that you choose if you happen to needed to maneuver your slab of enuui round a bit of quicker.
The one transmission out there was a four-speed auto, due to course it was.
Styling was a cautious mix of nameless early-2000s motor-carriage and a wholesome sprint of that feeling you get strolling right into a job you hate however want on a Monday morning with no clear plan about the way you’ll change your life.
A serious styling facelift occurred in 2003, when the slit-like headlights of the unique design have been changed with a lot bigger mild models and a extra outstanding grille, however the car-buying peoples of Earth caught to the identical don’t-give-a-shit plan that had served them so nicely in coping with the Saturn L-Collection.
Promoting of the L-Collection was as uninspired and half-assed as you’d anticipate. Right here’s an exhilarating advert a couple of man who simply turned a “regional supervisor” in an “workplace” the place they do “enterprise!” Please word that “headroom” is likely one of the key options famous. Possibly it was talked about for comedian impact, however who cares:
Oh boy. Extremely, that’s one of many extra thrilling adverts for the automotive. Get a load of this uppercut of snoozery:
Oh boy, you may get one for some cash!
This advert mentions, sacrilegiously, the ‘automotive gods.’ Look:
Critically, if there have been Automotive Gods, and also you confirmed as much as the Pearly Storage Door driving a Saturn LS200, I’m all however optimistic you’d get despatched straight to Automotive Hell, the place the Automotive Satan would make you fumble round within the crack of a popped hood for an hood opening latch you may by no means fairly discover, outdoors, within the chilly, for eternity.
The one actual notoriety the L-Collection acquired was a discover from the North Carolina Client’s Council suggesting that no person purchase one in every of these. The precise headline of the NCCS reads:
“Keep away from 2.2L Saturn L-Collection Autos Recommends NC Customers Council”
Its use of each “keep away from” and “recommends” in the identical headline suggests how loath this group was to badmouth something. This was the primary time since 1968 that the group has issued such an announcement.
Timing chain points and taillight issues have been cited as the principle motive, and no person rose up in anger on the warning as a result of completely no person gave a shit about these automobiles. Or ever will.
No one needed something to do with the Saturn L-Collection, as a result of its cynical bloodlessness and callous disregard to the truth that people are beings that want stimuli of some type left no person with a want to purchase one.
Saturn pulled the plug on the L-Collection in 2005 attributable to very justifiably poor gross sales, and I wager the article within the firm e-newsletter ended in the midst of a sentence and no person observed.